Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
