Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
