Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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