You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
