When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
God, I missed his penis.
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