Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
