Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize