I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
