I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
