also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
