Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
