I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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