I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
cat food counts as protein by the way
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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