Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
