she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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