So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
