I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
