My first STD was from a foam party
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
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