from now on my penis is your penis
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
