Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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