where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
