Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
