Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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