I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
