I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
