please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
you had me at cake vodka
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
