There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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