There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
