I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
