You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
