I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
