In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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