I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
