Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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