i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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