I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
