help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
