Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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