Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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