Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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