i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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