Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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