I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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