Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize