Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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