i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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