remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
