I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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