my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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