she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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