I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
