I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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