Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
