you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
