I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
