The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
