just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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