That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just tell him i said nine months
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
