Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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