The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
