I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
