Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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