I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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